How to eat a hamster

The occurance of hamster eating is becoming an increasing trend in todays society. More and more people are turning to hamsters in the wake of mad cows disease, as a similar and cheap alternative to steak. Hamsters, with their bulging cheeks, their cute little stare and their habit of pooing in the same part of their cage and getting their fur covered in their own defication, well, they can be a real tasty treat.

However, as everyone is aware, hamsters must be eaten alive for that distinctive rodentesque flavour they ooze so superbly, and many people are having trouble with this concept. Some bite the hamsters head off, then guzzle the rest down quickly, thinking it will give the same result. This simply will not do, not only is it impolite and disrespectful to the hamster, but it creates a large amount of blood and other bodily fluid mess. The taste is also sub-standard; for that quality taste the hamster must be alive, wriggling, and terrified out of it's little mind. I'm here to teach you the correct steps to eat a live hamster, in the hope that the masses will eventually be able to chomp on a rodent with the correct etiquette that is associated with this enjoyable process.

Follow the steps below for maximum satisfaction:

Step 1. Take 1 medium sized hamster from its cage, and place in your hands. Do NOT starve the hamster beforehand, also, many people have taken to giving the hamster an enema the night before. I recommend against this as leaving the hamster intact adds to the succulent blend of fur, flesh and other "stuff".

you're going to die!!

Freak that hamster out! Step 2. This is the step most ameteur hamster eaters miss out, the taste inducing stage. For a hamster to be truly succulent, you must strike the fear of god into him first, to get the adrenalive (and all manner of other things) flowing. The best way i've found of doing this to to hold the hamster close to your face. Stare at it. Give it an evil grin. Taunt the hamster by pointing at it, then pointing at your mouth, and cackling insanely. Talk to the hamster, tell it exactly what your going to do to it and how much it'll hurt him before he dies. Boy, he'll be scared, and produce a taste as fine as veal, with only minimal cruel treatment. Hurrah!

Step 3. Don't waste any time. After the hamster is suitably terrified, pick it up and place into your mouth whole. Do not swallow, do not place only half the hamster in your mouth, it has to be the whole thing. The rodent may put up a fight, so if necessary, get a friend to prod the hamster from behind to stuff it in your mouth. Try not to dribble, this is frowned upon at the dinner table.

Down the hatch with you, mr hamster!

Chomp that rodent! Step 4. By this stage the hamster will be petrified and will do anything to get out of your mouth. It may scratch and bite you or try to jump out of your mouth, if so, try to crush its head with your teeth, killing it as humanely as possible. Chew the hamster slowly, savouring the exquisite moment.

Step 5. Congratulations! You've just sucessfully eaten your hamster! Wasn't that scrummy? Go change your top, you will probably have the odd bit of hamster insides on it, maybe an eyeball or a tooth or two. Look to your friends and give a big smug grin, for you've just eaten a tasty morsel indeed! They will no doubt be jealous, and will probably look up to you from now on. Give a loud belch, my, how your friends will laugh!

Give a big grin!

DISCLAIMER:Kids: Don't upset your parents my eating the pet hamster, they will be annoyed and may beat you. This entire page is a joke, please don't follow up my steps. Hamsters don't really taste nice. Don't try and sue me or anything, you won't win 'cos i've done this disclaimer, ha haaaa! Yaa boo and sucks to you! No hamsters were injured or eaten in the creation of this page. Well, one hamster was, but he died shortly afterwards so the suffering didn't last long. Sign my guestbook!

Toddle off to Gizz's menu page for more of Gizzard's wonderful yet meaningless malarky!