All about meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The new bit: Welcome to the second installment of the persoanl stuff, where i attempt to write even more about myself! Eek! The following bit was written in october '97, and there's been plenty changes since then, so if you're read this before, pop down to the new bit, otherwise, read on!

Hurrah! Aren�t homepage�s wonderful? Where else can you spout boring codswallop about yourself, for such a length of time without being completely ignored or smacked in the face for being so dismally uninteresting? Well I wanted my homepage to not be quite so normal as most people, and be a shrine to everything I like in an interesting way, which is why I�ve stuck this bit in a link, so you can read it if you actually want to! What a clever and considerate bloke, you must be thinking, well, you�re right. That�s one thing about me, I�m clever and considerate. Enough of this, time for the piccie bit - this is meeee, and it's one of my fave piccies, and my hair was blue, purple and red stripes, just in case you can't quite make it out :o) Dunno if i'll be able to get the size of this picture right though, so i'll probably look all stretched or squished in some way or another... :o)

They say i like to moo. This may be because of the implants. They're in my left testicle. Sometimes they throb. Poor me. moo!

The where I�m from paragraph

Well, although you may have been fooled into thinking that I am a gizzard, I�m not really, I just aspire to their greatness. My real name�s Merv, and I�m a student (ha haa! You tax paying people are paying for me to live while I doss around, living off your money and doing crap like this homepage!), and while I�m being studenty, I live in Nottingham. When I�m not being studenty and living off my parents, I live in Aberystwyth, Wales. But I don�t like to talk about that, �cos it�s not interesting, and leads to sheep jokes. I don�t have any form of Welsh accent whatsoever, this is important information about me, �cos I was born in Reading. So I�m not Welsh. I just live there, OK? Hey, this is impressive. Normally peeps can stick where they come from in a few words, but I�ve taken a whole paragraph! Woo-hoo!

The really long life story bit that will make you sleepy, or at least it should be long, but it isn�t

OK, well I�ve already said I was born in Reading. While I was there I got a really annoying posh accent, and when I moved to Wales, I got the piss taken slightly. So, I made a deal with myself (my hands shook eachother) to destroy my accent, and not develop a Welsh accent, �cos they�re bloody horrible. I now pride myself on having no accent whatsoever, and no-body can tell where I�m from, which make me mysterious. Cunning. Anyway, I kinda stayed in Wales, did school stuff, then moved to Nottingham to become a student. There, life story done. I like this waffle stuff! Here's a nice little distraction just in case you were getting bored:

Why I act the way I do

Well I was a normal child until I moved to Wales. Wales warped me. Don�t move to Wales. My parents bought a home for people with learning disabilities, and I lived with them for 10 years, still do in the holidays, which I think explains a few things. I also developed Crohns disease when I was 13, kinda had a very odd few years while I got miserable, very ill, etc., and I was not a funky chappy to know whatsoever. But then, I got a lot better, and moved out of home. I shared my flat with a bloke called Kev who made me realise that I had great potential in being completely illegible and stupid in everything I did, and I took it up full time. I split my head into 4 distinct personalities, and acted completely different with each of them, each representing a different person completely, which helps to control my moods. Gizzard is my fave, as he�s always happy, he likes to scream �cheese� a lot, and he wears funky hippy clothes. He doesn�t like to do work though, which can be a pain in the unmentionables. The others I�m not going to mention, as it�s Gizzard�s homepage, and he�ll get jealous, and if there are any large violent looking weapons, he�ll grab them and start dismembering people. Why am I writing about Gizzard as if he�s someone else? I�m Gizzard as I write this. I don�t recommend this multiple personality thing, it can get confusing and impractical. Please don�t show this to anyone who could use it as evidence against me and get me locked up. Please. I don�t want to be locked up. Nooooo.

We don�t want to know this stuff Gizz, tell us all about yourself now

what, like in the present? My hobbies and what I like and stuff?

Yes, that stuff please

Oh OK, what helpful subtitles these are! Well the best way to describe myself now is a hippy / heavy metal / boy racer / computer geek / kinder egg collecting student. I don�t like to belong to one type of group, so I�m not really any of the above, fully, just part time, and different personalities like different things. I guess my main hobby things at the mo are IRC, my music, and booze. When I�m not fiddling with my homepage (which needs lots of fiddling as it�s VERY incomplete) I�m on IRC. If you haven�t heard of that, well it�s the biggest chat channel on the web, and the most addictive thing I could have ever encountered.... If you spend enough time on there, on one certain channel, you get to know so many people, that you can go on at any time of day, and there will always be a friend to chat to, which is a serious threat to my studies. I also met my girlfriend on there in October �96, who I fell for immediately as we had a fight with a washing machine and a mangler. I have tons and tons of friends on there, so see the IRC link for more details on them.... I could spend anything up to 10 hours a day on IRC (The computer geek bit of me) and when I�m not doing that, I just luuuurve to be out of my face on tequila. It�s fab. But the all time best must be out of my face on tequila, in Nottingham�s rock city, UK�s best rock club, and one of the main reasons I moved to Nottingham in the first place.... Too many people these days slag off metal music, as just a load of loud heavy music with people screaming as vocals, then go and buy a Prodigy album, and not realise they�re being hypocritical. I think that people who slag off eachothers taste should be garrotted, every one should be able to have their own opinion and be respected for it. Oh dear, I�ve gone all serious. Before I change the subject, I�d like to admit that I too am hypocritical, and while everyone should have their own taste without criticism, I reckon that people who wear bright green/blue/red/pink/orange (basically any pastel coloured) shirts when they�re out on the pull should have red hot pokers shoved down they�re throats and have their oesophagus burnt out, �cos they�re all crap! CRAP!! Sorry.

Gizzard, you�ve gone completely off the subject, stoppit!

Oops. Good old subtitles, I am glad I�ve got them! Well what was I talking about? Oh yeah, hobbies and likings and stuff. I like to do freaky things with my hair.... After years of growing it and looking like a right idiot, I couldn�t handle looking normal, so I dyed it purple. Then blue, then green, then red/blue/purple stripes, then red. I�ve been a few colours in-between that too. I also like to freak people out with my funky UV contact lenses that glow bright yellowy green under UV light, and scare people. I wear them to Megazone, another of my fave activities, on which I spend 4 hours a week running round a dark smoky arena, with bright glowing eyeballs, shooting people. It�s just wonderful! What else...? Oh yes, the boy racer bit. I know it�s sad, but I do like driving as fast as my little car will go, which isn�t that fast, as it�s very little. I�m not gonna go into that, �cos talking about cars is too much like a typical PASTEL SHIRT WEARING pillock that talks about cars and football all the time. I hate football. People get so obsessed with it, and they don�t realise that they�re worshipping something completely inane! (my opinion of course, they�re entitled to theirs ;o) ) I prefer to worship cheese.

I think you should put a break in the middle of all this horrid writing Merv....

Why, what a good idea, subtitles! here's a little piccie of a frog, gambolling its way across my page. Over and over again.

Wheee! See him hop along the page repetatively!

Anyone who knows me, knows I love cheese, but why Gizz, why?

I thought you might want to know that. Well it all started when I discovered my first mini baby bel. I ate lots and lots of them, and constantly needed the fridge to be full of them or I�d get withdrawal symptoms and come out in a spotty purple rash. Or at least, I�m sure I would have done, but I never actually went without the cheese, so I don�t know. But I have been told this, by my vegetables. They understand. Whenever I�m in boy racer mode, I always have to stop and buy cheese strings, which may be plasticy processed dung, but boy, are they scrummy! At a party one night I jumped up and down a lot and screamed to a video camera "I like cheese", and my mate bought me a T-shirt saying the same thing, so now everyone knows. I don�t have a huge appreciation for all the many different types of cheese, but what I do like, I just luuuurve, and the word cheese is sooooo great for screaming maniacally that I can�t help but do it all the time, in between my moo-ing. Moo is also a great word, it�s just a shame that I dislike cows. I fell in a cowpat once, it scarred me for life.

The kinder egg connection

Oh yeah, I mentioned that I liked Kinder eggs. I do! I just love the pingo�s and I have a Pingo colony on my ceiling. They�re being naughty though, so I�m turning it into a Pingo Prison, with little plastic polar bears as guards. I�m going to use smurfs as wardens.

This is the biggest personal stuff I�ve ever seen.... you DO like to talk about yourself, don�t you Gizz?

Yup yup, sure do!

THE NEW BIT!

Well then, it's been a good few months since i changed this page, and I reckon the time has come, yes indeedy.

So Gizz, what's the news? What's the goss? What's the beef?

Ah, hello again subtitles! I missed you :o) Well, there's been plenty changes - the contact lenses are dead, Megazone is a limping zombie, and Rock City has sold out... :o( Megazone got it's lease cancelled, and had to move to a much smaller building, so it's nowhere as good unfortunately, but it's still damn fine :o) Rock City, despite being voted the best rock club for the last 5 years, decided to cancel rock night, merge it with alternative night, and stick a bit of chart music in for the hell of it. It's now dead busy, full of trendies who request in their droves to play songs like 'brimful of asha', and it's just not worth going there anymore..... :o( The contact lenses dies ker-putted, but I was expecting that, and after easter i'm going to be getting a new pair - either smiley fae contacts, or black and white swirly hypnotic ones! I will look stupid! Yippee!!

So what about your mental State? Surely the demise of all these good things has turned you potty?

Well, sort of. I've kind of had my 'stress release' of the week taken away from me, and these days i'm full of tension and way too much energy, and I don't know what to do about it. But i've had a terrible twist to my personality recently - i've become a FortuneCity minister - yes, those homapage provider's I was so keen to dislike have now given me a position of responsibility! Obviously they haven't read my waffle... ;o) So, these days I don't go on IRC too much, I sit in front of the computer and help people. Help. Me. It's kinda strange, but I really like it! For a change, I am a completely useful person, plus it'll be great on my CV :o) And er, that's about it - all stressed up and dead helpful and responsible, that's me now.

That doesn't sound very good - what about your multiple personalities?

Well, they've gone dead screwy! Gizzard has now stopped being quite so stupid, and is now clever, and helpful and all that, and Mr Rabid (the intensly freaky one) is taking over, which means I have a tendancy to scream more, grimace a tad more often, and I get my kicks out of disturbing people. It isn't too healthy, and I need to calm him down, so hopefully I'll be starting a new thing on my web page, re-instating Mr Rabid of his psychologist title, along with my good friend, The Doctor, and we'll 'help' people out with their personal problems. It'll be FUN!

Ummm, ok. So what's the same? Cheese? Stupid hair?

Ah yes, they're still healthy and flourishing, like a big throbbing, ummmm. Anyway, yes, cheese is still scrummy, and my hair is now getting to the point of falling out, as I dye it red and purple every few weeks. Not too clever, but then I'm a student and I have a reputation to live up to!

You're not a boy racer still are you?

Oh gorden bennet, no noooo, thankyou for bringing that up subtitles :o) No, I grew out of that a long time ago, it was just a phase :o)

Well Gizz, you'd better stop now as you're going to be chucked out in a few minutes

Yikes, thanks for reminding me! I probably have lots more to say, but i've been sitting her for 8 hours doing helpful stuff, and my head hurts, and if I don't leave soon then the university computer people will cme round and bash me on the head until I leave, and i don't want that, no no, I want a death burger I think. I haven't had a death burger today. Neeeeeeed. A death burger by the way, is a bacon and egg bap.... doesn't sound bad, but you should see the canteen ones...... everyone hides when I whip it out, but that's another story!

My god! You've actually finished! Can I leave now?